dearest friends,
why i have not updated.
frustration, mostly. it’s funny how much time has gone by, and how little has actually happened. believe it or not, this summer has been kind of rough. last summer, i outweighed the fact that i had moved back home by spending half my time in an old cabin out in the woods by a lake, and this summer, that’s not an option, and i’m nowhere except home. my friend situation is bleak – heather and i haven’t spoken since my birthday, shane may or may not be in town (we haven’t talked in a few weeks either, i’m not sure if he’s mad at me or not, nick and missy are around, but barely because we’re all grown ups now with jobs and early bedtimes (myself included). frankly, sometimes people just annoy me, and i’m so tired lately that i don’t make an effort at all. jenny and i haven’t caught up in months and months, and the same with christine, though i’m hanging out with her tonight at her new apartment.
things with dana are fine, though i feel like there have been too many things lately that i’ve been like, "that hurts my feelings," and i’m starting to feel like a jerk. there’s nothing wrong, though – we hang out or talk pretty much every day, and it feels weird when we don’t. i tell her everything, but often it’s hard for me to share things without being asked first. i’m worried lately – and i’ve told her this – that we’re all talk, that our big plans of traveling around and having an adventurous life won’t actually happen, because we’re both too scared. we’re working on a movie together, or rather, a trailer for a movie that we want to make, but it’s a really huge ordeal, and i feel overwhelmed by just doing a tiny little film like that. i love the idea, but we keep getting stuck on things and not moving forward with it, which i guess is my fault. and the boat hasn’t come out of its hole in the woods in weeks.
caroline and i seem to bicker over everything sometimes. my dad and i are getting along fine, which is pretty consistent. it’s always difficult being a guest in someones house, but i think i do it fairly well. he’d probably disagree. he’s been having a hard time at work lately, too.
and while i have all these things that bother me, i no longer feel comfortable talking about them in my blog. i’ve always had this perspective that no on really reads it, even when i know that’s not tue. it’s just supposed to be therapy for me, but [someone’s underhanded comment] on that last post made me say "ok, i’m out. this isn’t worth it anymore." over the years (since just before i left for college, i’ve had this blog), i have gotten in trouble with so many people… people misunderstanding things i’ve said, people who think i’m wrong, people disliking that i have a blog at all, people not wanting their name written in it; the list is long. it’s exhausting. i don’t even take pictures anymore, except to remember places i’ve been.
i guess i’m not saying i want to stop, but i am recognizing that my use for this blog has changed drastically. too many people like starting shit, and i just want to have a diary. i’d still like to update, but only occasionally, and hopefully in a few months it’ll turn into more of a travel blog, documenting where i’ve travelled to. i’d like that. and maybe i’ll just take off the comments, so i won’t wake up first thing in the morning and be like, "are you kidding me?"
z
micah, grand life plans take time. it is sometimes hard to get going, and sometimes you have to push yourself to get moving, but overall, just know that it takes time. enjoy the journey. people are complicated, but their complications are beautiful, even if they make us frustrated sometimes. just be you. & if people don’t like it, then maybe they aren’t people who should be around you. i personally enjoy checking in on your blog once in a great while to see what you are up to. it’s always nice to read that you are happy, and to see what life has thrown your way & how you are dealing with it. remember, even in your worst moments, that you have got so many people sending you positive energy & great wishes for you to have a most happy & grand life…at minimum, just one person in connecticut is sending that energy your way. please don’t forget it.